We all love with conditions.
Sorry to burst your bubble, Katy Perry, but unconditional love is a myth. I know everyone is going to get flustered and say their case is different and that they love their partners unconditionally.
Horse shit, darling.
Just like secret service agents, most times, conditions operate under an alias called standards.
Sound familiar?
Some of these conditions (oopsies, standards) can be material things like money, immaterial things like kindness and peace of mind, or physical things like a small waist, or basketball-worthy height. We only call them conditions when it becomes physical or material, but that’s a story for another day. When those conditions stop being met, love gradually wanes like early morning fog in the face of sunlight. That’s why people say things like “You changed. I don’t know who you are anymore…” when they break up. That, my friends, is the sound of conditions that stopped being met.
Unconditional love is like the sun; it disappears when things get dark.
In case you weren’t informed, people don’t love you just as you are.
Something always draws them in, and that something(s) is what makes them stay. No one is going to love you despite and because of all your flaws. Love doesn’t erase your flaws in people’s eyes, something else, something more important that you have, just clouds their perceptions of those flaws. Sometimes, this certain “something” can make them romanticize your flaws.
Christian Gray from the Fifty Shades of Gray franchise is a prime example.
Imagine if the fabulous and brooding Mr. Gray wasn’t filthy rich.
Imagine if he was a struggling artist or a regular-degular Joe working at a 7-Eleven.
The storyline wouldn’t have captured any hearts. The movie would have been horror and not romance. Christian would probably go by “Kris” and not Mr. Gray, would be written off as a class A creep who needs to work on his issues ASAP.
But no, issues and themes like this always take on a bewitching tang when dipped in the alluring decadence of wealth. So, awww couple goals!!!😍😍😍
The only time I think we are “loved” unconditionally is when we are dead. Death, it seems, has a way of giving people amnesia. Everyone eulogizes the deceased. (S)he will always be the best of friends, the most patient of listeners, the kindest of souls, and the most selfless being to walk this planet. The defunct soul, it seems, has no flaws and can do no wrong.
No, I am sorry. I made a mistake. Dead people aren’t even loved unconditionally. There is still a huge condition attached to this sort of love/praise, death itself.
What we term love is largely conditional. It operates on the unique principles of the give-and-take dynamic. You bring something they value and they bring something you want or need. It could be emotional or physical, tangible or intangible. It is this give-and-take that oils the cogs of the relationship and keeps it going.
I don’t think conditional love is a bad thing. In a way, I think it engenders respect and prevents abuse. Just like weeds overrun a garden if not properly handled, anything that isn’t hemmed in by conditions is prone to abuse, disuse, and misuse- and this includes love. If anything, I feel unconditional love, no matter how romanticized it has been, is toxic on some levels.
Conditional love makes you leave a relationship where respect is no longer the standard and abuse has become the order of the day.
Unconditional love enjoins you to stay and hope things get better- or worse, try to fix them!
Conditional love holds people to high standards and forces them to become the best version of themselves.
Unconditional love encourages one party to half-ass things while the other party is forced to eat shit they dish like it is gravy.
If you ever had to get over someone because they were toxic or because they don’t love you anymore, then your love was conditional. Unconditional love mandates you to love and keep loving even when the object of your affections doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you.
I don’t think conditional love is a bad thing. It gets a bad rap because we have learned to associate it with superficial things like bank accounts and body type or size. I think the focus shouldn’t be on condemning conditional love but on delineating enduring and substantive conditions and making them the center of our love.
Originally published on Medium.
When I am not brooding about love and human relationships, I explore life and write movie reviews. Check out Discovering the Sole Purpose of Life: Review of Soul (2020)
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